Esme thinks she can do much better with my blog. So I have agreed to let her guest host one blog a month to see if she is right. Hers will be an advice column, taken from her fan letters.

ASK ESME

Esme, my humans are terrible bed hogs, but if I complain, they dump me out on the cold floor or lumpy dogbed. Is there any way to change this? Sometimes I just want to bite something. -- frustrated Irish Setter

Dear Frustrated, Never, never, never bite your humans. I know it will feel satisfying at the time, but remember, humans are extremely sensitive and can sulk for days. I have never met any creature who can hold a grudge quite as long as a human. Personally, I think it is a no-fur thing.

If you must bite something, try their shoes, or the UPS man. Or bite their pillow. Even humans do that sometimes, in spite of the fact that they are dentally challenged.

Proper bed manners are important to instill in your humans as soon as you acquire them. It is never too early to start. Since yours have already developed the habit of thinking the bed belongs to them, you will have to be patient for a while. Remember, it is not their fault: they do not understand.

Humans must be taught the true nature of relaxation. (photo © Jerri Langlais)

To start with, never work on two humans at the same time. Pick ONE. It doesn’t matter which one.

The One-Not-Chosen. (photo © Pat Hess)

Enter the bed with an air of humility. Take a small, inadequate space between the two. Now, focus on the one you have chosen and radiate love, snuggle if possible, and sigh loudly. At some point, the Chosen One will reach down and stroke or scratch you. That is the signal. Now, slowly stretch out your legs and push gently against the other. Not a lot. We are playing a game of inches here. Just enough to open a little space and introduce the idea of moving over.

Human in training. Note the subtle head press holding him in position. (Photo © Barbara Davilman)

Once the One-Not-Chosen has wriggled away a little and given you some space, I guarantee that within a week you will have that one clinging to the edge of the bed. Then you can roll over and work the other side of the bed.

And don’t be too proud to play the diva card, if necessary. They are probably expecting it -- you are an Irish Setter, after all.

Summer Reading for the Dog Set

Summer reading is fun reading, the kind you can pick up or lay down without penalty, or the kind you can finish in one sitting. So you won't find the training books, polemics on diet, or heavy 3-generation stories about raising dogs. These are the page turners, not the page counters. Some are fun, some are charming, one is necessary, and one is deeply moving.

DOG ON IT, by Spencer Quinn, A Chet and Bernie mystery, Hardcover, Atria Books, $25

Dog On It is my number-one pick for summer reading. The book is funny, charming, and exciting, with two very likable heroes. It is a buddy mystery in the hard-boiled genre, told in first-person by Chet, the canine police academy drop-out. (He doesn't exactly remember why he failed the test, but it had something to do with a lot of blood.)

Unlike those smarmy cats who go about solving mysteries in a smug superior way, Chet is all dog. He is there to protect and admire Bernie, and waxes eloquent about his wonderful smell (apples, bourbon, a hint of salt and pepper). He listens patiently (sort of) while Bernie discusses the case with him, rides shotgun, bites bad guys, and scarfs up anything that looks like food along the way.

Here they are meeting with Nixon, a friendly low-life who is Bernie’s contact on the street, and his dog Spike, a fearsome rottie mix who has seen better days. While Bernie ponders money lenders and the Russian mafia, Chet and Spike are watching Nixon spit gobs of tobacco.

The second gob was bigger than the first and had an even stronger smell. I went over and was lowering my head for another sniff when something bumped me from behind. I turned and there was Spike. He bumped me again, away from the gob, and gave it a sniff himself. I bumped him back, barely moved him at all – Spike was so heavy, and still strong. But it was my turn at the gob, so I bumped him again, harder this time. Spike faced me, showed his teeth, all yellow and brown now, and growled. I showed my teeth and growled back.

"Hey, knock it off," Nixon said.

What was this? Spike actually knocking it off just because Nixon said so? Spike walked around in a circle and lay down in the shade of Nixon’s tow truck, his white face much more visible than the rest of him; for some reason, that made me sad. I backed away from the gob.

The dialogue of both Chet and Bernie has a tough-guy Sam Spade tone, with an occasionally funny echo. When an interrogation goes on too long, Chet decides to take a cooling swim in the suspect's pool:

“Hey! What the hell’s he doing in the pool?"

Bernie looked over at me. "The dog paddle," he said. "It’s his only stroke."

Highly recommended. Take this one to the beach, and you might find yourself foregoing the swim to spend time with Chet and Bernie.

BEST HIKES WITH DOGS,

The Mountaineers Books, $16.95

Unless you are totally house-bound, you must buy one of these guidebooks. Mine is for North Carolina, because that is where I am, although I like to dip in a dreamy way into the guides for California, or one of the many other states and cities covered in the series.

These are not just retooled human hiking guides. Each trail description takes note of terrain affecting dogs (slippery rocks, gravel paths, etc.), whether you need to pack in water for the dog, wildlife Roscoe might encounter, as well as invaluable information about specific trail rules governing dogs. They don't talk much about whether or not it will be suitable for you -- you have to interpolate that from the information given.

The Snowball is a deep-woods trail easily accessible off the Blue Ridge Parkway. It is off-limits to bicycles and horses and is even little-used by hikers, so it is perfect for dogs. But there are strenuous climbs, so make sure your dog is tough, trail-hardy, and ready for a workout.

They also list the USGS map covering the trail -- definitely cooler than carrying a paperback book along.
Photo Cayenne in Mountains © Jereda Hoffland

DIRTY BOW-WOW by Jeffrey Katz, hardcover, Ten-Speed Press, $14.95

A fun book, photos on the right, text on the left, of dogs and their beloved toys. I recommend this book for dog-loving children as well as adults. Most children's books about dogs show generic puppies doing cute things -- effectively turning dogs into objects.

This book regards each and every dog in the book with a loving eye, talks about their failings and their successes, and the toys they regard with such passion. Two things kids really understand -- dogs and toys -- together in a series of short, simple stories.

Amos and Quacking Duck grew up together. Now Amos is turning grey and Quacking Duck is headless, and probably can't quack too well either -- but they are still together.

JUST GUS

A Rescued Dog and the Woman He Loved

by Laurie Williams, Photos by Roslyn Banish

Stephanie is a talented young writer dying of cancer. Gus is a starved and injured ridgeback mix she rescues off the streets of New York City. This true story, simply told and beautifully photographed, tells how they rescue each other. She nurses him to health, trains him and helps him into his future without her. He gives her steadfast companionship and the courage to seize the moment of her life.

A wonderful, moving book. It is sad, but also very inspiring.

In Praise Of Older Dogs

Caele (KAY-lee) is 12 and a half this month. I am very pleased to have an older dog in my pack. They add balance and a quiet dignity. Having lost the exuberance and “go for it” of the younger members, she replaces it with a gentle insistence and deep love. She doesn’t run things, but she gets what she wants. And when we take that all-important one-on-one walk, leaving all the others behind, she starts by prancing with a little cross-legged dance.

I love the white-haired, grizzled look of the old dogs. Cats never look old.

 

Last winter I saw a middle-aged woman sitting in the sun with a cat so shiny, it looked like she had hand-rubbed it with furniture oil. When I stopped to talk to her, they both turned the same calm, unreadable eyes on me.

"Beautiful cat," I said. "How old? Two? Three?"

The woman gave me a you're-such-an-idiot-I-can't-waste-more-than-one-word-on-you look and said "nineteen."

Oh.

I left them sitting in the sun, growing old together.

You don't grow old with a dog. They just don't live long enough. It is guaranteed loss and heartbreak. But if you are willing to risk it, it's also guaranteed unconditional love and companionship for that all-too-brief decade or so.

Ridge, a 17-year-old ridgeback, who shares her life with Chris Jensen, is shown here taking her "beauty bath" in a bed of kelp. She especially likes kelp, but also bathes in the saltwater tidal pools of the Pacific.

Chris's secret? "I try not to ever let her get bored or get to thinking she is old."

Does she look old to you?

Chris makes me feel guilty. I rarely get Caele out to interesting places, and never to the beach. She still can run and bound, but I have to hoist her up onto the bed. I am just hoping she will stay with me another year, maybe two.

Caele

Do you have room in your heart to take in a senior dog? They are the least adoptable of all dogs. Most shelters just euthanize any dog over 8 that comes to them. These dogs may not be with you for many years, but they will all be good years. And many are fine, wise souls who deserve to live out their lives in peace and comfort. There is a wonderful 11-year-old Rhodesian Ridgeback right now waiting for some saint to rescue him. Is that you?

Photo credits: Ridge in kelp © Sharon Johnson; Ridge running and Ridge in sand © Chris Jensen; Caele © Julia Runk Jones.