ASK ESMEEsme, my humans are terrible bed hogs, but if I complain, they dump me out on the cold floor or lumpy dogbed. Is there any way to change this? Sometimes I just want to bite something. -- frustrated Irish Setter
Dear Frustrated, Never, never, never bite your humans. I know it will feel satisfying at the time, but remember, humans are extremely sensitive and can sulk for days. I have never met any creature who can hold a grudge quite as long as a human. Personally, I think it is a no-fur thing.
If you must bite something, try their shoes, or the UPS man. Or bite their pillow. Even humans do that sometimes, in spite of the fact that they are dentally challenged.
Proper bed manners are important to instill in your humans as soon as you acquire them. It is never too early to start. Since yours have already developed the habit of thinking the bed belongs to them, you will have to be patient for a while. Remember, it is not their fault: they do not understand.
Humans must be taught the true nature of relaxation. (photo © Jerri Langlais)
To start with, never work on two humans at the same time. Pick ONE. It doesn’t matter which one.
The One-Not-Chosen. (photo © Pat Hess)
If you must bite something, try their shoes, or the UPS man. Or bite their pillow. Even humans do that sometimes, in spite of the fact that they are dentally challenged.
Proper bed manners are important to instill in your humans as soon as you acquire them. It is never too early to start. Since yours have already developed the habit of thinking the bed belongs to them, you will have to be patient for a while. Remember, it is not their fault: they do not understand.
Humans must be taught the true nature of relaxation. (photo © Jerri Langlais)To start with, never work on two humans at the same time. Pick ONE. It doesn’t matter which one.
The One-Not-Chosen. (photo © Pat Hess)Enter the bed with an air of humility. Take a small, inadequate space between the two. Now, focus on the one you have chosen and radiate love, snuggle if possible, and sigh loudly. At some point, the Chosen One will reach down and stroke or scratch you. That is the signal. Now, slowly stretch out your legs and push gently against the other. Not a lot. We are playing a game of inches here. Just enough to open a little space and introduce the idea of moving over.
Human in training. Note the subtle head press holding him in position. (Photo © Barbara Davilman)
Human in training. Note the subtle head press holding him in position. (Photo © Barbara Davilman)Once the One-Not-Chosen has wriggled away a little and given you some space, I guarantee that within a week you will have that one clinging to the edge of the bed. Then you can roll over and work the other side of the bed.
And don’t be too proud to play the diva card, if necessary. They are probably expecting it -- you are an Irish Setter, after all.
Dear Esme,
ReplyDeleteHow right you are. I have been training my humans for the last 12.5 years but unfortunately they are slow learners. Luckily, the humans were naive enough to get me 4 friends over the years -- together, the 5 of us RULE the bed. The female human thinks that she can make us lie in certain spots on the bed so that she can fit in -- hah, we know that ploy and move just enough so that she looks like a pretzel when she is sleeping. Every so often, we have to remind the humans that we rule -- we use Masai for this as he weighs 95 pounds and has perfected art of waiting until the humans are fast asleep then springing (or should I say "flopping") into action. There is nothing subtle about this boy, he waits until they are in a deep sleep then does a spectacular flop (we all give him a "10" for style) onto their chests, then goes to sleep. The sound that the humans make when the air is forced out of their lungs is simply brilliant, as are the sounds that they make when they realize that they can no longer breath due to the 1,000 pounds of deadweight ridgeback that is sleeping on top of them (with a huge grin on his face).
Time to go now, have to go and claim my spot on the bed before the humans realize what is going on.
Shumba (on behalf of Shumba, Nkosi, Chaka, Duma and our 95 pound star, Masai)
Dear Esme -
ReplyDeleteWhat a brilliant training technique, subtle and effective. You are correct - the deep sigh does get me cuddled and the stretch, done gently, achieves a minumum of at least 8 more inches.
After 3 stretches I had an additional 2 feet in which to slumber. A wonderful return for so little effort.
I can't wait for your next column. Could you get your human to let you take over her blog?
Perhaps she could guest host monthly?
Thank you -
Finally sleeping well